Starstruck

Glossary Entry: Lycon

The Galactic Survey lists Lycon as a level 8 swamp planet that, in the words of Uvulesian Missionary Bloit Plunkett, looks “lahk unto a globular great mass o’ putrifyin’ chocolit chock full o’ tee-nine-see bobbin’ marshmellers.” The appearance of intelligent life on the planet Lycon is concurrent with the Uvulesian planetfall. Indigenous life forms (“them thangs innuh mud”) were affected by the telepathic spill from interUvulesian communication, causing a stirring of intelligence (?), a need to replicate and aspirations toward Godhead (see: Keengdum Kuhm). In short, the incredibly mean, incredibly stupid Lyconian Dromo Rustlers were heaved up, gasping, from the primal ooze.

Lyconian Dromo Rustlers

Lyconian Dromo Rustlers

They gave new meaning to the lives of Uvulesian Missionaries. To the majority of the Uvulesian populace, however, they gave new meaning to the word “disgusting.” Disgusting was their habit of beating, booting, eating or looting anything in sight. Disgusting was the fact that they could mate with anything. Disgusting was the fact that anything they mated with immediately became gravid with their young, who issued forth in great litters, often numbering 18 or more. The ravenous pups would then devour the host-mother in a sickening display of near-adult behavior. They multiplied like maggots in a mass grave. The Uvulese found it fairly simple to ward off the amorous advances of the rustlers by telepathically implanting the message, “We are angil thangs frum Keengdum Kuhm. Don’t boot wid us,” in the dim reaches of the creatures’ minds. A word concerning the off-planet exportation of Lyconian Dromo Rustlers, a last-ditch effort to save the crumbling economy of Uvulesian Lycon: Due to the Dromo Rustlers’ habit of impregnating and devouring Lyconian Dromo cows (hence the name, Lyconian Dromo Rustlers), the Lyconian Better Business Bureau implemented a plan to send breeding pairs of Dromo Rustlers (two males) to off-planet zoos (as exhibits) and circuses (as mud wrestlers), suggesting very strongly to the new owners that they sterilize the brood after first mating (TRUST US!). By denuding the planet Lycon of Dromo Rustlers, the Dromo Cows could breed happily in their natural bovine way, without the worry of wild rustlers grabbing them from behind. It is said that the Galactic Mud Wrestling Management Association has bred a rustler whose love life is less extreme. They are said to make up for this lack in the beating, eating, and looting departments.